27011956-04052014

I am glad 2014 is over and it couldn't have been any sooner. And it's been rough to say the least. I've been told by friends over the years, very close ones in fact, that I need to step out of my father's shadow. It's been phrased in different ways, whether to say that no one thinks they're dad is superman after they're 5 or every individual has their own qualities. I disagree ! He was, by far, the smartest and the strongest person I knew, with the most foresight imaginable. This is a brief timeline of what made me think so. It isn't exhaustive, because there's way too much.

***I'm not sure if this is exhaustive. I'm slightly overwhelmed. I may edit/add.

1956 - born


1972 - Scooter has a road accident on the way to write IIT-JEE. Many stitches, sedatives and scratches later reaches over an hour late for the exam. Drowsy and in a lot of pain. Still Clears, Comfortably . B.Tech Civil Engineering, IIT DELHI, 1972-1977.


1973 - Obtains a Java Yezdi motorbike on threat of discontinuing studies further!


1974 - Is a qualified pilot. Glides around Delhi every other day. (Also cleared the air force without giving the physical! )

1977 - Lands the best jobs available on campus. Has enough scholarship money saved up for a one way ticket to Germany. Goes to Germany instead. Gets a scholarship there to study further for a year.

1978 - Joins M.Tech (Structural) in IIT-D. Does not like any car in the market. Decides to Build a custom car. Vanguard body, Matador Engine(Diesel, always Diesel) , Leather Seats. Check !  I am in touch with all the mechanics till date!

1979 - Creates First of many companies.

1980 - M.Tech (Management) IIT Delhi. The equivalent of an MBA.

1982 - First Big Contract. Starts Ph.D. on Fuzzy Logic.

1984 - Gets bored of studying. Or so he thinks.Stops Ph.D.

1985 - Married !

1986 - Continues Business. Learns Taxation inside out.

1987 - Jangpura, Nehru Place start.

1988 - Me ! Also, a frequently ill me.

1990 - Learns enough Homeopathy to take care of me. Teaches me enough over the years to take care of myself.

1991 - Gets bored of original Business. Switches entirely to new business and the markets.

1992 - Tata Estate. Damn I miss the car. While the whole world was buying 800s and Contessas.

1997 - Learns Astrology. Impeccably and Flawlessly. Makes predictions that surprise and shock. But of course are correct. For somebody with 6 independent skills, this is the most enviable. And I hope to learn this is someday. This one is for you.

1999 - Shifts me to a different school for perceived lesser Homework and a school bus that comes later !

2003 - Correctly predicts next PM to be when he's nowhere in contention. Also had correctly predicted US presidential elections with related disputes. Frequently wrote.

2005 - Does Law.

2008 - Becomes a Lawyer !

2010 - Recovers cases that were described as lost causes by experts. (1987)

2011 - Tells me I'm going to IIM A next year. ( I did )

2014. Done more in 58 years than people would in a 100.......

27 Jan 2015 - 59th :)

And through all of this I was his highest priority, everything just happened along side, or was done for me. And I'm really not as strong as I appear to be. But whatever little I've done so far is because of you and, so is the strength, intelligence, tenacity, loyalty, street-smartness and aggression. I may still mentally be 4 years old mostly, but I know enough to know that I have some legacy to live up to. I will try. 

And a special thanks to A.M., S.S and A.V. for making sure I survived last year.

When close old friends know you too well.

Yes I have people I've known for a year or three that I'm very close to. But, there really is know substitute for time. Especially when it comes to knowing you/your habits/your quirks.

Examples from the last 2 days:

STSX----

1

K : Dude, something has been really bothering me and I want your advice on to be able to decide what I should do.

STSX: That means, something was bothering you. You found a solution that suits you. You probably have or are to implement it. You are probably looking for validation or retrospective analysis.

--------

2

K : Abbe, I've been thinking how to deal with this situation

STSX: You're talking about it means you dealt with it. Now you want to simply issue a report saying this happened just so you know.

-------

SYMS----

1

K: I can't decide what I want.

SYMS: You never can. Or you want everything. And you want what you can't have the most and first.

K: We were trying to be constructive

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2

K: People just come and go in your life. How am I such a constant.

SYMS: You don't interfere with who's coming and who's going.

K: Okay, is that it !?

SYMS: Mostly.

K: F off

SYMS: I love you too

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3

K: But there is nothing to gain. Why do I do this. It's a best case no gain situation. This is dumb.

a) STSX: You are thinking. That's why.

b) SYMS: People get a conscience at 25 I think.

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Also, if you're the person who called me at 9 am today and i didn't pick up -> good bye.

Rainbows and sunshine don’t create an ‘empire’. Conflict/War is necessary, even if it’s completely internal.

Warning: This may trigger some form of introspection in the reader. Please refer to my glossary/definitions for seemingly generic terms to avoid ambiguity or invalid assumptions. I go off on random tangents [RT], which I have indicated in a structured manner using [].

…If you could have everything (1) you ever wanted, would it mean as much or anything at all, if it wasn’t standing next to the people(2) you love(3) most.

1. Movable and immovable assets, and other belongings along with personal and career achievements and resulting status and internal and external esteem associated. 2. Your definition of family. May or may not include any default blood relations. Necessarily includes an individual who you are in love with. 3. Unconditional, Selfless, Bollywood-Movie-like, Loyal Supportive type of love.

Now this question triggers at least a dozen others, much like a random ‘honk’ in stationary traffic sets of many other similar frustrated, inconsequential and unproductive honks.

RT1: [Of course if as a result traffic/thought process would somehow move, then it wouldn’t random and unproductive. Does that make only productive thoughts and efforts relevant? ] So let’s get into what one wants. I have narrowed down all such pursuits to be motivated mostly by a combination of four mutually exclusive things. These are,

Money, Power, Status and Autonomy(4). (4) Autonomy includes pursuits based on own interests over social conventions and everything else internal that says fucktheuniverse. Ideally as an individual, I prefer Autonomy to trump all the others by a fair margin. Why then would I choose a conventional/uninteresting path leading up to now, at least for my study? Well I feel a greater degree of autonomy can be only attained if the other three things are not left to far lagging behind.

So anyway in my own mind, I work with Autonomy as first, and the remaining three in no particular order.

RT2: [How much money is enough is a frequently discussed question. I feel that there should be enough money to facilitate spontaneity. My definition of spontaneity doesn’t work as follows, if I have $X and something I suddenly want costs $X I have the money I need. I must have $X + $ adequately lifelong financial security at a growing rate preferably independent of income from salary. [Income can come from Salary, Capital gains, Professional activity and House property etc.]] I don’t know how to measure power or status and don’t worry so much about them anyway.

The first thing to find missing in those four things stated is happiness. I guess it’s probably either missing from my thought process or considered an unattainable luxury which comes at cost that one must not bear. But if happiness is unattainable doesn’t that make everything else pointless.

RT3 [I must differentiate happiness which is related to external triggers from the kind that is completely internal and related to some kind of mental peace, contentment and satisfaction. Self-attained elation of the kind, where hitting an assortment of walls and cupboards does not make you feel better or you don’t have the constant need for platonic affection as a pacifying agent. That is not expecting too much. External sources of happiness are in my case the people closest to me and some assorted activities of interest, and attainment of actionable knowledge] So then I go ahead and think more about happiness. And went back to Kindergarten where life was seemingly the simplest. There were two kinds of children in the class during recess when it rained; the kind that went and danced in the rain and had fun and the kind that stayed back and enjoyed a combination of vicarious pleasure and the feeling of supreme intelligence and self-control.

There are some perspectives of the same. There is a premise that getting wet in the rain is risk. Another one says that it’s an experience, and that’s what life is… A lot of experiences put together. Which one of those 2 types kids were you? There isn’t a correct answer. There is only a problem if you were made to get wet in the rain due to external influences from friends or if you were sitting inside wishing you were outside. If you weren’t who you wanted to be even back then, it’s highly unlikely you would have changed much with time.

I think I was the kind that wanted to be getting wet in the rain but was sitting inside and feeling smart about it. I think that is one of the reasons for a lot of anger inside me. That I took a lot decisions with my brain instead of my heart. And that I may continue to make decisions that way adds to the anger and frustration.

What does the title have to do with the last 1000 words?

I was always being the kid who thought like that to build myself an empire. The problem with this mind set is that it’s worse than a rat race. Modern day rat races have well defined achievable and exhaustible targets. Having actually done one of the coveted ones, I can say confidently that they’re much easier. Because no one will tell you that your empire is big enough and it’s quicksand like that. You will never know when what you’ve done is enough to go play out there in the rain. Maybe you won’t live to see that day, or maybe it won’t even rain anymore. I don’t know which of the two is worse though. Probably the latter…

In ancient times, matrimonial alliances between kingdoms were strategic to build symbiotically and expand. But, what if you don’t want to do that? Isn’t that a contradiction of the basis for every other decision ever made by you till date? And if it isn’t, is it not unfair to your own self to let someone who was playing in the rain since the first day benefit from your entire struggle? But then, doesn’t this make your entire empire a liability? It restricts you from doing what you want in some ways. So assets that you work your life to create are a liability too? Or worse, can they be a hindrance to happiness?

So I guess… When you don't want to have what you really want, and don't know what else you want, and can't figure out how to stop wanting what you want or to want something else, It's really worse than a stalemate.

M.B.A. - MEANT TO BECOME ANONYMUS ?

So there is an obvious thrill to competing with over 200,000 people to be in the top half percentile, and the competition provides an intellectual adrenaline rush, competing against time, combating stress et al. But is the prize worth the struggle? WHAT'S THE HYPE ABOUT THIS COURSE ANYWAY? IT ISN'T THOROUGH OR SPECIFIC. Whatever individuality, creativity and happiness that somehow survived its way through engineering will probably give way to more practical skills like time management and surviving without sleep. Going to the best college in the country isn't really a big deal, I mean the whole point is that there are more people wanting to get in than seats but that doesn't mean that supposed 'smart' people who get through will be any smarter. As far as hours of labour equaling gearing up for corporate life is concerned just goes to show that employment in any form is no different than labour ! And as far as the money goes , The best salary ( NET, not gross / ctc / whatever ) is less than the monthly rent for a decent house in south Delhi. I mean really, is intelligence that worthless? On another note, I've at least learnt that the only way to not have regrets is to throw everything you have at something and if you still can't do it and aren't able to make it happen. It does on the other hand make you feel utterly useless and incompetent. Feeling Guilt vs Feeling Useless. The choices life gives !

Interesting Conversation

K : So my Cat's over... (Pretend the next statement is witty and indirect) Let's go out for dinner
X: (Pretend I thought about it) NO
K: OMG ! WTF !
X: Drama queen. How's tomorrow?
K: I have plans for tomorrow. Friday?
X: So far. What if I don't remember you till Friday?
K: That might be a good thing!
X: Tee Hee.. See you friday. Mwah!
K: I'm not into TeeHee s
X: K, I'm not into mwahs.
K: OMG! WTF!
X: See you friday. Mwah!
K: :-)
I'm K, no prizes for guessing. There are prizes for guessing who X is though :-D

So facebook quizzes can be right sometime...

What's Your Theme Song? - Spin Lifehouse

Result: Spin Lifehouse

The fast life is full of strange and crazy experiences. But you have the best of friends and wouldn't trade them for the world. You would never change a thing, because you know that this life is meant to be lived by you.

Hmmm..... yes true.

What's your favourite song?

Result: Eye of the tiger

No doubt about it !

And I finally found a quote that explains relationships. It's either very poetic or I've misunderstood but

"I have plenty of people to do things with – I just have no one to do nothing with "?!

I’m bored and feel like making fun of society and its customs --- part # 1

So I was a ‘sciencee’, and week in week out I got sick of making 3 columns titled Experiment, Observation and Inference. However, subsequently I realized that it was a convenient structured method for observing and analyzing various phenomena quite methodically.
Consider this, there is a slightly crushed empty soft drink can lying on top of a shelf in your room visible to you everyday. You are not permitted to remove it, and as a result you get habituated it observing it regularly. Even though it has no contribution productively, aesthetically, comically, monetarily or socially, it has become a part of your life.
Despite the above unflattering characteristics, if you were to find that, after 3 weeks of frequent ‘interaction’, the empty crushed can isn’t there anymore, irrespective of anything you shall first exclaim “Hey, where did it go?” I guess it’s an encephalic flaw, or perhaps conditioning but either way, that just isn’t right.

Consider another case, where you are told to spend 2 hours with an absolute stranger who is fully accredited by those you trust in every manner addressing any possible insecurity you may have. Still you would necessarily with even the prospect of such a circumstance, HESITATE,
Intelligent and charming as the given stranger maybe.
“I guess it’s an encephalic flaw, or perhaps conditioning but either way, that just isn’t right.”!! However on meeting this stranger everyday for a period of 3 weeks, the sudden disappearance of this stranger would prompt you to wonder “Hey, where did he/she go?”
You get used to the person being a part of your life everyday and the disappearance creates a void. Annoying as they are, voids create a psychological imbalance don’t they?

Before I continue,
This is dedicated to a friend of mine who’s reluctantly agreed to have an arranged marriage at the age of 24, though she is genuinely apprehensive, frightened, and disinterested. I hope this makes you feel WORSE :)!
For everyone else, don’t take it personally it’s just a point of view.

So, yes that’s what I’m referring to  arranged marriages!!! Various reasons maybe debated as to why they exist, and I maintain that on pragmatic and utilitarian grounds, they do have advantages over the ‘other’ kind, on the grounds of the reasoning given above, isn’t it a bi weird. Of course, I’m not insinuating that your to-be is “productively, aesthetically, comically, monetarily or socially” ‘challenged’, but just the idea of the whole thing.

The only grounds that are rational (read: not based on Indian ‘traditional’ customs) is that there are two ways of approaching the situation.
Two people have their own individual requirements, and while the whole starry-eyed love concept is nice, no two people can agree on the same pizza toppings, and of course a truck load of other less important things. So if you decide on the person first, some of your ‘requirements’ will have to take a back seat, and some things you don’t like will have to become a part of your life, such as Ironed clothes for example…
On the other hand, if you state your requirements first, it gives you the option/flexibility/luxury of not altering your lifestyle and continuing with it,

all at the small cost spending the rest of your life with someone you don’t care about

, or care as much about as you cared for the aforementioned can. Note, that since this was a low budget short term experiment, I have not discovered if an individual will miss the can more after 6 weeks than after 3 weeks, though my random guess is yes. I’m sure that’s comforting to know.

Yes, I have been accused of not giving equal opportunity to both sides of an argument while debating before, but apart from presentation, the content seems thought out to me.
What say you?