…If you could have everything (1) you ever wanted, would it mean as much or anything at all, if it wasn’t standing next to the people(2) you love(3) most.
1. Movable and immovable assets, and other belongings along with personal and career achievements and resulting status and internal and external esteem associated. 2. Your definition of family. May or may not include any default blood relations. Necessarily includes an individual who you are in love with. 3. Unconditional, Selfless, Bollywood-Movie-like, Loyal Supportive type of love.
Now this question triggers at least a dozen others, much like a random ‘honk’ in stationary traffic sets of many other similar frustrated, inconsequential and unproductive honks.
RT1: [Of course if as a result traffic/thought process would somehow move, then it wouldn’t random and unproductive. Does that make only productive thoughts and efforts relevant? ] So let’s get into what one wants. I have narrowed down all such pursuits to be motivated mostly by a combination of four mutually exclusive things. These are,
Money, Power, Status and Autonomy(4). (4) Autonomy includes pursuits based on own interests over social conventions and everything else internal that says fucktheuniverse. Ideally as an individual, I prefer Autonomy to trump all the others by a fair margin. Why then would I choose a conventional/uninteresting path leading up to now, at least for my study? Well I feel a greater degree of autonomy can be only attained if the other three things are not left to far lagging behind.
So anyway in my own mind, I work with Autonomy as first, and the remaining three in no particular order.
RT2: [How much money is enough is a frequently discussed question. I feel that there should be enough money to facilitate spontaneity. My definition of spontaneity doesn’t work as follows, if I have $X and something I suddenly want costs $X I have the money I need. I must have $X + $ adequately lifelong financial security at a growing rate preferably independent of income from salary. [Income can come from Salary, Capital gains, Professional activity and House property etc.]] I don’t know how to measure power or status and don’t worry so much about them anyway.
The first thing to find missing in those four things stated is happiness. I guess it’s probably either missing from my thought process or considered an unattainable luxury which comes at cost that one must not bear. But if happiness is unattainable doesn’t that make everything else pointless.
RT3 [I must differentiate happiness which is related to external triggers from the kind that is completely internal and related to some kind of mental peace, contentment and satisfaction. Self-attained elation of the kind, where hitting an assortment of walls and cupboards does not make you feel better or you don’t have the constant need for platonic affection as a pacifying agent. That is not expecting too much. External sources of happiness are in my case the people closest to me and some assorted activities of interest, and attainment of actionable knowledge] So then I go ahead and think more about happiness. And went back to Kindergarten where life was seemingly the simplest. There were two kinds of children in the class during recess when it rained; the kind that went and danced in the rain and had fun and the kind that stayed back and enjoyed a combination of vicarious pleasure and the feeling of supreme intelligence and self-control.
There are some perspectives of the same. There is a premise that getting wet in the rain is risk. Another one says that it’s an experience, and that’s what life is… A lot of experiences put together. Which one of those 2 types kids were you? There isn’t a correct answer. There is only a problem if you were made to get wet in the rain due to external influences from friends or if you were sitting inside wishing you were outside. If you weren’t who you wanted to be even back then, it’s highly unlikely you would have changed much with time.
I think I was the kind that wanted to be getting wet in the rain but was sitting inside and feeling smart about it. I think that is one of the reasons for a lot of anger inside me. That I took a lot decisions with my brain instead of my heart. And that I may continue to make decisions that way adds to the anger and frustration.
What does the title have to do with the last 1000 words?
I was always being the kid who thought like that to build myself an empire. The problem with this mind set is that it’s worse than a rat race. Modern day rat races have well defined achievable and exhaustible targets. Having actually done one of the coveted ones, I can say confidently that they’re much easier. Because no one will tell you that your empire is big enough and it’s quicksand like that. You will never know when what you’ve done is enough to go play out there in the rain. Maybe you won’t live to see that day, or maybe it won’t even rain anymore. I don’t know which of the two is worse though. Probably the latter…
In ancient times, matrimonial alliances between kingdoms were strategic to build symbiotically and expand. But, what if you don’t want to do that? Isn’t that a contradiction of the basis for every other decision ever made by you till date? And if it isn’t, is it not unfair to your own self to let someone who was playing in the rain since the first day benefit from your entire struggle? But then, doesn’t this make your entire empire a liability? It restricts you from doing what you want in some ways. So assets that you work your life to create are a liability too? Or worse, can they be a hindrance to happiness?
So I guess… When you don't want to have what you really want, and don't know what else you want, and can't figure out how to stop wanting what you want or to want something else, It's really worse than a stalemate.
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