Where does one draw a line? Does one draw a line at all. Isn't it easier to just distance yourself a wee bit from what/who bothers you, there by maintaining social etiquette and not shutting a door of to something. That's how the utilitarians put it anyway. As far as errors go, I am always happier making a decision based on my instinct and go wrong then not decide at all.
And when your instincts are at loggerheads with your beliefs, and right or wrong both become context specific, taking your dilemmas to their zenith, there is absolutely no way to extricate the labyrinth unscathed.The fork in the road I came across is one that I hope NOBODY ever has to traverse, a decision no one ever has to take, and the consequences no one ever has to cope with.
The picturesque river I was paddling down bifurcated to reveal selecting either a continued blithe relationship with a very close and special friend, or standing by what I think is correct. There was no right answer, and never did I realize being a good loyal friend would be different from being a conscientious person who can look at himself in the mirror. Of course, the easiest way out was what was screamed violently at me, in terms of a personal decision made by someone else not really concerning me or my life doesn't interfere with my value systems, and shouldn't affect me at all. Right? Anybody saying that clearly doesn't know me too well in the first place, and besides, it's one of the very few things I'm so persnickety about. The reason behind that too is most simple and deductible, as I think one tends idealize things they've never experienced themselves. Maybe I 'll be kicking myself when I'm in the same situation, feeling like most of my generation does about it being no big deal , but I SURE AS HELL DOUBT THAT. I may have been in what's called emotional pain , but I really didn't regret it or wouldn't want it any other way.
What was worse wasn't just the inevitable, but how it unfolded. Supposed affection evaporating to leave behind irritation, flaring tempers and worst of all continuous building of mistrust. Scurrilous accusations of hypocrisy, disloyal betrayal, bruiting and complete lack of care with considerable amounts of pain and anger were required to rip apart a bond that otherwise appeared Oh So Strong ! I guess it wouldn't have been possible to just walk away. I still miss my friend a lot, I do , not that I'll ever admit it to her.
I do still somewhere feel happy that I stood by something I believe in strongly, but why is this happiness so tearfully painful? !
And yes, there are two sides to every story, this is just mine, but it's not some weak attempt to exculpate myself.
Wednesday, December 8, 2010
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I (think I) stand alone
Sometimes you hear things that make you think, and often it's not in context to what was intended. These things come from inadvertent eavesdropping, the TV, books and other assorted sources.
At times they're purpose is simple, and help you articulate something you were always inherently aware of, and remains immanent to you.
Often they're enlightening, and even though painfully so, help you align yourself better to that state of alcohol deprivation called reality.
But, they're at their fiercest worst when they make you question the very definition of your own self. We've all thought of things to come, imagined things and people and cars( :P explicit mention necessary ) , wondered whether the same things will make us tick, how long fires will burn inside outside and the third side.
SO, getting to the point :
"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"
Been a couple of years since I heard this the second time...While I thought of multiple scenarios that defined the dream-come-true state, something occurred to me today, that had never realized before, that in all possible scenarios, independent of accomplishments, in that fraction of time where I'm bored even off bliss.....I STAND ALONE.
I STAND ALONE.
Didn't go to college today.... spend a lot of time thinking. Didn't sleep. Took a disprin and slept. Still STAND ALONE.
Fret not over my despondency though, for when I'm writing this I have a smile on my face, so clearly I thought this one through and didn't run from it.
I'll write about that soon .... but take a moment and think, and reflect and redefine, it's kinda cool :P :)
At times they're purpose is simple, and help you articulate something you were always inherently aware of, and remains immanent to you.
Often they're enlightening, and even though painfully so, help you align yourself better to that state of alcohol deprivation called reality.
But, they're at their fiercest worst when they make you question the very definition of your own self. We've all thought of things to come, imagined things and people and cars( :P explicit mention necessary ) , wondered whether the same things will make us tick, how long fires will burn inside outside and the third side.
SO, getting to the point :
"Imagine a future moment in your life where all your dreams come true. You know, it's the greatest moment of your life and you get to experience it with one person. Who's standing next to you?"
Been a couple of years since I heard this the second time...While I thought of multiple scenarios that defined the dream-come-true state, something occurred to me today, that had never realized before, that in all possible scenarios, independent of accomplishments, in that fraction of time where I'm bored even off bliss.....I STAND ALONE.
I STAND ALONE.
Didn't go to college today.... spend a lot of time thinking. Didn't sleep. Took a disprin and slept. Still STAND ALONE.
Fret not over my despondency though, for when I'm writing this I have a smile on my face, so clearly I thought this one through and didn't run from it.
I'll write about that soon .... but take a moment and think, and reflect and redefine, it's kinda cool :P :)
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Illusions and Delusions
Ever seen a really scary horror movie as a child? I'm sure you would have, and it would have frightened you initially, magnitude not relevant. The effects were so convincing that it temporarily established beliefs in ghosts . However, growing up you thing you're smarter and more experienced and hence unlikely to be bamboozled so easily and quickly... right? WRONG.
Just like Bugs Bunny made way for Seinfeld, Archie Comics for Philosophy, wondered what happened to them ghost stories? I believe the corresponding term in the progression is LOVE ! . By I love here I refer to the kind that is tediously found and makes your head dizzy ( or so I am made to believe ), and not the kind that you know will always be there and you take for granted (Mommy!). Of course, you may question my equating ghosts to love, but I do not insinuate that your sweetheart/babydoll/... is a poltergeist. I refer simply to the excitement created by something unfamiliar, magnitude and direction again irrelevant.
So what prompts traversing this unproductive path? Sleep disorders leading to being up late at night and watching the best movie from whatever is playing on TV. So I spent time watching, THE UGLY TRUTH, FAILURE TO LAUNCH, LOVE ACTUALLY, and most recently last night , SERENDIPITY . Why I spent the last 20 minuted of that movie jumping up and down I shall never know.
I call for the concerned authorities to put STATUTORY warnings on all such love stories similar to those found on hallucinogens, cigarettes, alcohol and prescription drugs relating to possible degenerative mental and physical effects.
But it really makes you wonder, that you safely established the absence of ghosts under your bed and monsters inside your closet with such alacrity that only slight recollections exist, then why does this new spirit still haunt you. I guess being an engineer, the only way I can construes this is be comparing the search areas. While your bed and closet are finite and limited to less than 100 square feet, the places to search for your SARA THOMAS are perhaps unlimited. Excessive belief in coincidence will only cause paranoia and the only cupid you'll find in the process will be in a white coat with needles instead of arrows. (No, this is not where you say Aww ). In fact, I continue my series of analogies further, to compare tobacco companies and cancer research, with gift/flower/whatever establishments and love.
Any unwanted correlations could grossly damage sales ( I wish I had a statistic for how much stalkers spend on one-way relationships ) , and in the end the materialistic utilitarian human being only cares about profit, so clearly you'll never see the invisible wires making things seem superior than they are.
So, ladies and gentleman, if you feel 'afraid', don't hesitate to call the Ghostbusters.For those of you who aren't desirous of putting two and two together, I merely refer to reality checks.. And don't defile currency by writing your phone number on it, I will very soon mathematically calculate and put up the probability of a currency note coming back to a defined individual.
By this point you must think that I don't have a romantic corpuscle in my body, but that isn't entirely true... I saw the movies didn't I :) .
Just like Bugs Bunny made way for Seinfeld, Archie Comics for Philosophy, wondered what happened to them ghost stories? I believe the corresponding term in the progression is LOVE ! . By I love here I refer to the kind that is tediously found and makes your head dizzy ( or so I am made to believe ), and not the kind that you know will always be there and you take for granted (Mommy!). Of course, you may question my equating ghosts to love, but I do not insinuate that your sweetheart/babydoll/... is a poltergeist. I refer simply to the excitement created by something unfamiliar, magnitude and direction again irrelevant.
So what prompts traversing this unproductive path? Sleep disorders leading to being up late at night and watching the best movie from whatever is playing on TV. So I spent time watching, THE UGLY TRUTH, FAILURE TO LAUNCH, LOVE ACTUALLY, and most recently last night , SERENDIPITY . Why I spent the last 20 minuted of that movie jumping up and down I shall never know.
I call for the concerned authorities to put STATUTORY warnings on all such love stories similar to those found on hallucinogens, cigarettes, alcohol and prescription drugs relating to possible degenerative mental and physical effects.
But it really makes you wonder, that you safely established the absence of ghosts under your bed and monsters inside your closet with such alacrity that only slight recollections exist, then why does this new spirit still haunt you. I guess being an engineer, the only way I can construes this is be comparing the search areas. While your bed and closet are finite and limited to less than 100 square feet, the places to search for your SARA THOMAS are perhaps unlimited. Excessive belief in coincidence will only cause paranoia and the only cupid you'll find in the process will be in a white coat with needles instead of arrows. (No, this is not where you say Aww ). In fact, I continue my series of analogies further, to compare tobacco companies and cancer research, with gift/flower/whatever establishments and love.
Any unwanted correlations could grossly damage sales ( I wish I had a statistic for how much stalkers spend on one-way relationships ) , and in the end the materialistic utilitarian human being only cares about profit, so clearly you'll never see the invisible wires making things seem superior than they are.
So, ladies and gentleman, if you feel 'afraid', don't hesitate to call the Ghostbusters.For those of you who aren't desirous of putting two and two together, I merely refer to reality checks.. And don't defile currency by writing your phone number on it, I will very soon mathematically calculate and put up the probability of a currency note coming back to a defined individual.
By this point you must think that I don't have a romantic corpuscle in my body, but that isn't entirely true... I saw the movies didn't I :) .
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Checkpoints.
subroutine 1
You're born
You go to primary school , then senior school.
You go to college.
Education and Work experience alternate till education is completed.
You get a steady job in some career.
You get married.
end subroutine 1
You have children.
Start of subroutine 1 for children.
subroutine 2
You continue in your career and attain whatever level of success.
You Retire.
You Die.
end subroutine 2
interrupts (may occur anywhere in any subroutine at any frequency in any order)
-make purchases
-addictions and interests
-assorted misery and focused specific misery
-misc events
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
You're born
You go to primary school , then senior school.
You go to college.
Education and Work experience alternate till education is completed.
You get a steady job in some career.
You get married.
end subroutine 1
You have children.
Start of subroutine 1 for children.
subroutine 2
You continue in your career and attain whatever level of success.
You Retire.
You Die.
end subroutine 2
interrupts (may occur anywhere in any subroutine at any frequency in any order)
-make purchases
-addictions and interests
-assorted misery and focused specific misery
-misc events
DID I MISS SOMETHING?
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Optimism
I'm sure those of you who've known me long enough know what an optimist I am .
I also expect the most desirable outcome and even in dire circumstances and dwindling line of sight manage to colorful glittery-flashy lights at the end of the tunnel.
I am also very well-satisfied and never ever whine or complain about circumstances, position and people. In fact, I adjust better to change, alterations and 'the unfamiliar' faster than anyone. What makes me extra special is that I do it all with immense courtesy, diplomacy and a never fading smile. Charm, values, and sophistication all compete to be my middle name. I am also very helpful, as a guide, coach , motivator , listener. Growing up, I've been very adjusting and tempers,moods and tantrums can rarely be associated with me. I am a very good, loyal friend, and put other people first.
NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT
I also expect the most desirable outcome and even in dire circumstances and dwindling line of sight manage to colorful glittery-flashy lights at the end of the tunnel.
I am also very well-satisfied and never ever whine or complain about circumstances, position and people. In fact, I adjust better to change, alterations and 'the unfamiliar' faster than anyone. What makes me extra special is that I do it all with immense courtesy, diplomacy and a never fading smile. Charm, values, and sophistication all compete to be my middle name. I am also very helpful, as a guide, coach , motivator , listener. Growing up, I've been very adjusting and tempers,moods and tantrums can rarely be associated with me. I am a very good, loyal friend, and put other people first.
NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Good or Bad?
When you do good things , side by what is right and morally correct and obligatory ,
and all you want is for a general sense of righteousness to prevail , and it RESULTS
in everything coming your way and being compared with the devil reincarnate , is it really worth it?
or is the sign of apparent resistance from an allegedly bad world a sign that i'm making progress.
Peace
and all you want is for a general sense of righteousness to prevail , and it RESULTS
in everything coming your way and being compared with the devil reincarnate , is it really worth it?
or is the sign of apparent resistance from an allegedly bad world a sign that i'm making progress.
Peace
Saturday, May 29, 2010
Purpose, objective and goals
What do you want to do in life? If you're between 15-25 , I am sure you've been bombarded with that question by those who care, and also by those who don't. And , worst of all , by your own self.
The country has expanded and developed, options are greater than ever before ... does it help? doesn't help me.
Let's try and find some answer, or at least be less far away. What I don't understand is why this question relates to only your career/job/profession. I mean really, is it that i spend all my productive time and available energy to answer this question , and everything else in life will automatically fall into place, rainbows butterflies et al?
Anyway coming back... There was a certain Greek philosopher, who used to answer all question with questions. However most often this leads down two paths, both strictly avoidable as long term solutions.
1)Answer of what do I do lies in what do I not do? Don't walk down this path, it led me to 4 years of engineering. I counted down those 4 years and that is not how I want the rest of my life to be.
2) Potential deviations/random tangents. When time is apparently critical, and in retrospect is not where the answer should be found, it's perhaps better to be direct.
eg. What should I have for lunch? Where should I go? How will the traffic be? I am thinking of buying a new car what are the general traffic conditions like? and parking? oh god look at the fuel prices! out of time. I'll just eat a sandwich .
A cold, stale sandwich is what I end up with usually, instead of butter chicken and dal makahani.
Perhaps the answer lies in discovering what you are like as a person. Easier said than done.
I'm lazy, easy-going, non-decisive, moody, irrational and often impulsive.
Oh! problem solved, I'll just post that on www.get-me-a-good-job-.com , and they will match my requirements. they do say jobs for all don't they?
The most dreaded part of this decision is it's irreversibility. Goddamnit!!
I really envy people who are born knowing that this is their calling? WTF made you choose?
Do i want a high profile occupation? Static or Dynamic? Feel good inside or outside?
WHAT??!!!
Over and out,
K.S.
The country has expanded and developed, options are greater than ever before ... does it help? doesn't help me.
Let's try and find some answer, or at least be less far away. What I don't understand is why this question relates to only your career/job/profession. I mean really, is it that i spend all my productive time and available energy to answer this question , and everything else in life will automatically fall into place, rainbows butterflies et al?
Anyway coming back... There was a certain Greek philosopher, who used to answer all question with questions. However most often this leads down two paths, both strictly avoidable as long term solutions.
1)Answer of what do I do lies in what do I not do? Don't walk down this path, it led me to 4 years of engineering. I counted down those 4 years and that is not how I want the rest of my life to be.
2) Potential deviations/random tangents. When time is apparently critical, and in retrospect is not where the answer should be found, it's perhaps better to be direct.
eg. What should I have for lunch? Where should I go? How will the traffic be? I am thinking of buying a new car what are the general traffic conditions like? and parking? oh god look at the fuel prices! out of time. I'll just eat a sandwich .
A cold, stale sandwich is what I end up with usually, instead of butter chicken and dal makahani.
Perhaps the answer lies in discovering what you are like as a person. Easier said than done.
I'm lazy, easy-going, non-decisive, moody, irrational and often impulsive.
Oh! problem solved, I'll just post that on www.get-me-a-good-job-.com , and they will match my requirements. they do say jobs for all don't they?
The most dreaded part of this decision is it's irreversibility. Goddamnit!!
I really envy people who are born knowing that this is their calling? WTF made you choose?
Do i want a high profile occupation? Static or Dynamic? Feel good inside or outside?
WHAT??!!!
Over and out,
K.S.
Hello world!
Aloha!
Let me get down to some clarifications :
1) The title of this post is meant to get my techie friends nauseous. For others, let me specify that it is the standard flag message used in every sample computer program possible.
2) The blog's title has nothing what-so-ever to do with finance, investment or banking.
3) Anything I write is valid at that given time place and mood and is definitely not a permanent view, nor am I dogmatic in anyway.
4) My moods change frequently and randomly, so I may not have justifications for everything I write subsequent to writing them.
Regards,
Kay Ess
Let me get down to some clarifications :
1) The title of this post is meant to get my techie friends nauseous. For others, let me specify that it is the standard flag message used in every sample computer program possible.
2) The blog's title has nothing what-so-ever to do with finance, investment or banking.
3) Anything I write is valid at that given time place and mood and is definitely not a permanent view, nor am I dogmatic in anyway.
4) My moods change frequently and randomly, so I may not have justifications for everything I write subsequent to writing them.
Regards,
Kay Ess
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